The Sacred, Profaned

A peculiar tension gnawed around the edges of my awareness today and I couldn't put my finger on why. Sitting in the dimly lit auditorium at church today, I came face to face with the reason for my discomfort.

Jesus, hanging on the cross for me.

And there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Watching the videos that accompanied the music at our Good Friday service, I understood, once again, that it was my sin that nailed Jesus to the cross. The closest I can come to describing how I felt is if you were meeting someone who gave you something precious and valuable at the moment you least deserved it. As I said on Facebook after I got home, words cannot express what He has done for us. It must be felt with the heart.

Overwhelmed by His goodness, overwhelmed by my inability to ever be good enough to deserve it.

I think what I felt today was grace, overpowering grace. Humbling, crippling, can't stop crying and look up at Him, grace.

I wanted to write this post from the minute I got home, but real life was waiting. Resurrection buns to make, Easter eggs to color, bedtime tv with the boys turning into tv time for me...

And the feeling slid away.

I know my real life isn't in the way of my relationship with Jesus, it points the way. But sometimes, I feel like I'm in one of those round-abouts, seeing the route I'm supposed to take, but not able to change lanes and get to it.

How do I reconcile the reality of today with what is to come, when my voice will join the chorus singing "Holy, holy, holy" for all eternity?

I came across this quote in a blog I was reading tonight, and if God could put a post-it on my fridge with the answer, I think this might be it:

“The Bible makes no room for the idea of the secular. In biblical worldview, there is only the sacred and the profane, and the profane is just the sacred abused, unkempt, trampled down, trivialized, turned inside out. It is just the holy treated in an unholy way.” ~Buchanan

My real life is the sacred that I am seeking. Only I can take the sacred and profane it. Once again, face to face with the sin that nailed Him to the cross. And the Love that held Him there.

Oh Lord, help me. Help us all.