Chastened

I have a confession to make. I am afraid. Not of spiders and things, although there is a mouse at this very minute under a garbage can in my basement waiting for my husband to come home and clean up, but of bigger things. I know that God is leading me in certain areas, and it makes me nervous. What if I fail Him? What if I screw things up that He has planned? And sometimes, when life is cruising along at a pretty good clip, something comes up that knocks me back a few steps.

I like to think of myself as sort of a toughie, able to take one on the chin and keep going, but I was wrong. Someone was disappointed in a decision I made recently and confronted me about it. While the conversation lead to a new insight on my part and wasn't totally a bad thing, it completely undid me for the better part of the week. The discussion took place in the morning, and by the end of the day I was still moping, sure that I had nothing good to offer anyone, and cancelling opportunities to step further onto the path that God is leading me toward. While I was busy wallowing, I have to imagine that Satan was doing a happy dance.

There was a chink in my armor, and he was doing all he could to exploit it. I did learn a few things through this, though.

• Spiritual warfare is very real. Any thought that is in your head that doesn't line up with God's Word isn't from Him and shouldn't be there. Learn to recognize it. As I sat at my writing table with my head in my hands, it became clear that the enemy was using this opportunity to make me doubt my call and God's ability to use me for anything. Wouldn't Satan just love it if I decided to shut my mouth for good?
• We can't confuse a learning opportunity with worthlessness. I like to assume that because I am an adult I have nothing left to learn. That is dangerous ground to be on...when we stop learning we stop growing. God will use the people around us, to further develop us to be more like Him. Be open to the teachable moments that come up.
• God's plan is His own for me, in His timing, on whatever path He directs. Sometimes a little course correction is exactly what we need to take the next step of the journey. I can't look at anything as a setback, because that puts me in charge of the timing and the path. 

After the conversation this weekend, I was sure that I had disappointed God and wrecked any chance I had to follow my dreams. I do tend toward the melodramatic occasionally. The Lord reminded me of two truths. We have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of self-discipline.(2 Timothy 1:7). My thoughts were spiraling out of fear. There is no place for that in a mind controlled by God. The second truth is that the Lord disciplines those whom He loves.(Hebrews 12:6). We can't let the first half of that scripture, being disciplined, outweigh the second part....being loved by God.

I don't know what the future holds for me, but I know that if I remain humble, in tune to the right voice, and seek to honor God in all my decisions and reactions, I will stay in His will. If I sit down in the middle of the road, dig my heels in, and have a giant pity party, I will miss what He offers. At the end, the goal is not to be successful or to be right, but to become more like Him. That would be true success.