Church this weekend was about patience. No, I didn't pray for any. But what I found was my Achilles heel...other people's lack of patience. I get really frustrated with that, and become really impatient with them. When I get impatient, I am expecting that I deserve better than I am getting. And really, why should I? Except that right now I am so out of nice that I could give you a million reasons why I shouldn't have to put up with A, B, or C.
This has been a day. Every nerve ending is laid bare. God has given me many opportunties to show grace, compassion, and mercy. Remember, all these things imply that the recipient is not deserving. Yes, many opportunities.
My house is quiet now, and all I can hear is the whir of the ceiling fan and the crickets in the yard. Sounds peaceful except for the grinding of my teeth that I can't seem to stop. I know I should act one way, but after trying all day, I'm done. Exhausted. The sad kind, when you know you should feel differently but you can't pull it together.
I know what God would have me do right now, and frankly, I don't feel like it. Not a good place to be. This is the part where the rubber meets the road. Do I submit my will to His, or do I continue to sit in my irritation and my self-righteous attitude and replay every judgmental detail over and over? I tell you what I would rather do...get my pillow and sleep on the couch. Will I? I don't know yet. Not feeling the love on my own strength. Time to confess my own ugliness and tap into some Holy Spirit.
You did a good job describing that disconnect we all struggle with - what I know to do and what I want to do. If it wasn't hard, it wouldn't be surrender.
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